It's That Time of Year Again . . .

Arbor day? Memorial day? Labor day? Nope, nope, nope. It's Boris's birthday! Tomorrow. But I have the tendancy to forget stuff. My age, my phone number, my name. . . . So it's best for me to do stuff when I'm thinking about it. So Happy (early) birthday, dude! But, here's the thing. Pretty much everything I know about what goes on in Boris's life now is what I read off his blog. Said blog is advertised in the upper right hand corner. Since, it would be really boring to write a blog about a blog, I shall dedicate a completely random blog to Boris. Kinda like dedicating a book to someone. Except less cool and less impressive. But he did read my sci-fi novel, so if I ever do get something published, he probably should get aknowledgement. But until that lovely day when fluffy bunnies fill the sky and no babies cry, I shall have to do my best. And I apologize to Boris in advance for the short paragraphs. I know how much he dislikes those.

All right, now, what I would like to talk about is job applications. Yes, for all us fine starving artists there is the wonderful opportunity of menial labor! That's the American way. But what does it take to preform these coveted sweatshop summer jobs? Not just a car and a registered license (though those are helpful) but also skill and motivation. Drive. Leadership. I want you to look yourself in the eye (using a mirror) and ask yourself "Can I make the best taco?" "Can I scoop the best ice cream?" "Do I have professional former co-workers who can recommend my dazzling ability at the cash register?" "Is working for this company/fast-food resturant/hole in the wall the most IMPORTANT thing in my life?" You better answer yes to these questions. They are looking for the cream of the crop on these applications. Take for instance:

"What was your greatest achievement in life?" For a fast food restaurant. Gee. I don't know if writing a novel can really measure up to serving prople high-calorie, over-priced meals. I must be on the wrong career path! This application has just changed my LIFE!

Or the more innoculous sounding but just as stupid. "What do you feel you bring to the company?" Let's see. I think I bring another person asking for a paycheck!

As well as the always fun "Desired wage?" A billion dollars? It seems what they really want to say is "Can you guess how much we're willing to pay?" Is mind-reading on their list of requierments? They should just put down what they're willing to pay and leave it at that!

Then there's the tiny little boxes asking for your former employer's name/business/title/complete address/phone/maiden name/pet's name/favorite color.

As for interviews, those are bad too. If you say something wrong, I don't understand why they can't just lean over and say quietly, "I'm sorry. That was the wrong answer," and leave it at that!

There's nothing more exhasting than pretending like you care. Perhaps that's why I've never been hired. The problem isn't that I don't care. Plenty of people don't care about their jobs. No. The problem is that there is a secret government conspiracy that is all about giving me absurd summer job applications for their sheer sadistic glee. @_@