Word Count Woes

A letter to all those who've dealt with my writing.

Just to defray any concerns, this is just normal depression. I just feel like venting. I'm still going forward with my novel, and despite the tone of this post, I have no intention of stepping in front of a truck on purpose.

You've all been more supportive of my writing than I deserve most the time. You know who you are. I appreciate your support more than I could ever say. But sometimes when you reassure me, that just means I feel like you're too wonderful a person to understand the cruel, cruel world of publishing where great works of literature lay in the bottom of waste bins because publishers refuse to pay for paper to print them.

Every time I whine about my word count one of you dear sweet angels reminds me of the successful authors who publish tomes to rival my own. But the trouble is that some of those people already had connections in the industry. Even some of the first time writers. Still, I do have good days.

Some days I just tell myself that there's a chance that I'll be that one in a million bright shining star that gets published regardless of word count. I laugh and say "take THAT Crime and Punishment!" I remind myself of all the contemporary first time authors I know who went wildly over the industry's acceptable word count for what they were writing: Terry Goodkind, Terry Brooks, J.K. Rowling, Stephenie Meyer... I know at least Rowling and Meyer had no previous connections.

Most importantly I remind myself that I believe in my story. I believe it's ready because, for the first time in 14 years, I am truly happy with it. I truly believe it is how it should be. Are there small edits and clarifications that could be done? Of course. There always are. But I feel this is finally the story in its true form.

But this is not one of the good days. This is one of those days where I read the industry standards and think about the agents that automatically reject based on word count. (There was actually one that had a program on her computer that would pick word count out of query letters and send a form rejection for books too long or too short without her even reading it!) This is one of those days where I ask myself if I'm wasting my time even sending this out. Part of me says it's perfectly sensible to shelve this story and try one of my shorter ones. When I have more credits to my name I can try again. But I'd have to edit a shorter one, and I would just feel like a failure and a coward for not sending this one out. I would worry that I would somehow talk myself out of ever sending anything out. I remind myself that I'll never know if I never try.

I guess I'm fine with being rejected based on my writing. That's too subjective for me to feel like one person (or even 100 people) can tell me what everyone will like. I have actually sent short stories out before and gotten rejections. I was fine with getting rejections, even excited because it meant I was trying. But I stopped sending out short stories because I personally stopped liking them. Not just short stories (which I've never liked), but the ones I had written as well. This wasn't based on the rejections at all because they were all form rejections.

But the thought of being rejected based on word count just makes me feel so hopeless. I keep thinking that even if I'm lucky enough to get someone to ask for the full manuscript, they'll reject it the moment they see it, no matter how much they like the idea or the writing.

Sigh... but moping never solved anything. So instead of crawling into a corner in a fetal position, I guess I'll go eat a pizza bagel and then get to work on my synopsis.